Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
