his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
