We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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