I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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