I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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