this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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