bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
