When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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