Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize