Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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