Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
