I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
