I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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