Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
