That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
