awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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