how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
