just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
sarcasm needs its own font
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
