your thong is hanging out like whoa
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
