I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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