Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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