all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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