if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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