a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
