dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
