I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
