Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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