I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
