Your mouth is God's brothel.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
