i just wanna soil my oats bro
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
