I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
