The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
