Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
