Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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