I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize