I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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