Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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