The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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