forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
