i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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