She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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