conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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