In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
