wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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