how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
