I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize