I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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