i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
