I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
