Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
