Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Randomize
