Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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