OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
