I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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